As a doctor, I had seen death pass in front of my face. Young and old lives taken in front of my very own eyes. Some willingly gave up their souls while some fought for their souls to keep. It was sad to watch someone go but I knew that the longer they stayed, they would only feel more pain and sufferings. I was happy that they were at peace now but sad that they had to leave all their loved ones behind. I knew I couldn't do anything to fight against it if it was their time to leave but sometimes, deep down inside, I feel as if I had let them down.
I was doing my rounds around the cancer when I heard laughter coming from the children's cancer wad. I decided to check on the children's cancer wad. I opened the door and I was instantly greeted by a young little girl. She had a happy smile on and it lit up her whole face. I felt sorry for her, she was so young and she had cancer but she was still so happy.
"Hello there," I smiled at her and reached out to pat her head.
"Hello doctor! Isn't it a beautiful day!" she beamed at me and pointed out of the window.
I nodded and felt sad that it was such a beautiful day and she couldn't be like the other kids, running around and playing with their friends on a day like this.
"What's your name?" I asked her while flipping at the clipboard by her bed. I saw that it was written there that she had acute lymphoblastic leukemia and was currently undergoing chemotherapy.
"My name is Cathy Reed and I am nine-years-old," she sat down on her bed and leaned towards me. "You are Doctor Lorraine Rivera?" she read off the plastic tag hanging on one of the pockets on my coat. "I like that name," she added, blinking her large brown eyes at me.
"Thank you, Cathy. That's very sweet of you," I sat down on the bed beside her to keep her company since it was 3p.m. now and my shift was over.
Cathy told me that she was in remission for two months already then when out of the blues, the doctors told her that she was out of remission. Cancer cells had been found in her blood stream. This was her third week in hospital. She also told me that her father had been involved in an accident that left him in a coma for three months before he passed away. Her mother was now a single-mother raising three children and worked as a clerk for a lawyer and was having a hard time paying for her medical bills.
"But, my mommy doesn't have to worry anymore about the bills!" Cathy said brightly, placing her hands on mine. "Because I'll be out soon! I know it! I pray day and night to God and I know that He will answer my prayers. I believe that He answers everyone's prayers, rich, poor, healthy or sick, I believe in God," she smiled.
Touched by her child-like grin, I tightened my grip on her hands and smiled at her. "Of course He'll answer your prayers. You've been a good girl," I told her kindly.
"Doctor, you know what?" she pulled her legs up on the bed and sat cross-legged. "I never cried or screamed when Doctor Matthew sticks those big scary needles into me or when he does the radiation thing!" she bragged and then giggled.
I knew that she was talking about the lumbar punctures and the gamma radiation. "I'm proud of you," I patted her on the head.
"Doctor Lorraine, do you think I'll leave here soon? I want to be with my mommy, my sister and my brother," she looked up at me with puppy dog eyes.
I felt my heart sink when I looked at her. Even though I knew that she would most likely be here for quite a while, I lied and told her that she will be leaving here soon, much sooner than she thought she will. I stayed with her until it was four, I told her to get some sleep before the nurse brings her lunch at six. I gave her a goodbye hug and went out of the wad. I was so touched by how much faith Cathy had. Once I left the wad, a nurse came up to me and told me that I was in need at the Intensive Care Unit wad, I hurriedly made my way towards the ICU, I didn't want to be late and cause a life to be lost forever.
*
For three months continuously, I visited Cathy during my off-shifts. Today, I decided to visit after I took my lunch. When I set a foot in the children's cancer wad, I realized that something was wrong. I wasn't greeted with Cathy's usual hug around my waist. I quickly made my way towards her bed and saw that she was lying down, staring out of the window.
She managed a weak hello for me. I said hello back in return and saw that her eyes were tired and looked shadowed. I took her wrist and checked for a pulse, there was a weak pulse. I patted her on the shoulder and told her to rest and that she'll feel better in a while. Then, I left the wad. Then I was at the door, I turned back to look at her. She looked very pale and tired and was motionless. I quietly shut the door and walked down the long corridor, breathing in the smell of antiseptic.
That night, I happened to be on night shift after treating a couple that had been in a horrifying accident. The husband had survived with a broken tibia, broken pelvis, several broken ribs and a slight concussion. Unfortunately, his wife passed exactly fifteen minutes after being brought to the hospital. She had suffered from severe loss of blood and her spinal chord was broken at four places.
I went into the children's cancer wad and quietly made my way towards Cathy. She was asleep. Suddenly, she sat upright like a jack knife. I was so startled by her sudden movement that my stethoscope clattered onto the floor. I was about to bend down to pick it up when her hand closed over my wrist.
"Goodbye Doctor Lorraine. Thank you for everything," she smiled, her eyes no longer shadowed but it was full of happiness. "God is here, do you see Him? He is waiting for me, it is time for me to go. He has answered my prayers, doctor, just like you promised He would. He's taking me home now with Him forever. Now my mommy won't have to pay for the bills. God is so wonderful, you know Him, don't you?" Cathy gave me one last smile and her grip on my wrist loosened. She had stopped breathing and her heart had stopped working. These were her last words to me and I will always remember them and she had a special place in my heart forever. Do I know Him? My answer is that I do. I believe.
Gabrielle Jee
I Believe
Have you watched death flown by?
Have you watched your loved ones go?
Ever so dearly without a goodbye?
Were you there to watch them go?
Have you seen God standing there,
With His arms wide open,
To welcome them home today?
Were you there to watch that happen?
Have you shed a single tear,
When He took them away,
Or did you fear?
That they were on their way?
I have seen it happen,
I saw God standing there,
With His arms wide open,
They will all go and heaven is where.
I'd start from this minute,
I believe that death is just nothing,
I'd start from this minute,
I believe in heaven.
I believe that my loved ones,
Are all safe and happy in God's kingdom,
I believe that my loved ones,
Are here for me though I can't see them.
by Gabrielle Jee